Well then,
Ted, I think you'll be delighted to hear of the NEWEST
HIP-HOP COUPLE: Busta Rhymes and Dame Maggie Smith! Rumor has it that she just moved into his
crazy gingerbread mansion! Every room is literally filled
convex mirrors and
giant foam cowboy hats! Whenever he does something outrageous (like dress up like a little Indian papoose from a 1930s cartoon and then brush his teeth with a toothbrush that is 5 times too large) Maggie Smith's powdered wig spins around and she swoons.
Busta Rhymes always has to revive her with smelling salts. But by this time, he is usually wearing a superhero outfit with a picture of a joint on the chest, making it very likely that she will IMMEDIATELY SWOON AGAIN!
That's what it means to be in
love.
Also,
David Banner is still single, but he has VOWED THAT UNLESS HE IS STOPPED, HE
WILL KILL AGAIN.
NICE
TED! Thanks to your sports-related post,
God changed our ad-banner from Dungeons and Dragons merchandise to Major League Baseball merchandise. Off to
church!
I have some good news for you! I am writing a new
book! It's about a boy scout troop that gets lost in the forest. They accidentally camp on the sacred Indian burial ground where Blackbeard buried his treasure. To return the talisman to its place, they travel to an old mountain, that's alive! I'm calling it
The Ghosty Volcano. I don't want to spoil too much, but in the end the scoutmaster discovers that he is one-quarter Blackfoot, and let's just say he teaches those cyborgs the meaning of Buddhism!
Yo, in
All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, the sick thing is: almost none of the dogs
actually go to heaven. Even the best dog was guilty of the
sin of pride. He is sentenced to 1,000 years in purgatory. The others? Well, let's just say that if your kids are uncomfortable with graphic images of dogs having their penises nailed to stalagmites by shrieking, eyeless demons then you might just want to rent
Jack Frost instead!
Now I see why
Leonard Maltin only gave this movie
three stars!
Well, I finally finished "All Dogs Go To Heaven 2." This got me wondering: what if Al Qaeda scientists developed a
dog that could fly to heaven?! That's the one thing that Bush and
Ashcroft fear most, because they
know for sure that our missile shield can't reach up to heaven! This would-
OH MY FUCK! The terrorist threat advisory just increased from "Hot Magenta" to "Chartreuse Animated Gif." Peace out!
Your favorite streaming, swirling sportsticker may have already given you this troubling news, but it bears repeating: the Alex Rodriguez-Manny Ramirez blockbuster trade is in jeopardy! For those of you who don't follow baseball and "don't know how to act right," this is about as sad as seeing a homeless toddler playing with a McDonalds french-fry carton and calling it "Tickle Me Elmo."
But, did you realize that the dynastic
Seattle Mariners have put together a little trade fiasco of their own? The
Omar Vizquel-
Carlos Guillen trade talks have cooled after the 37-year old Vizquel failed a physical. Too bad for the Mariners. This trade was about as appealing as, oh I don't know, a goofy cartoon duck
getting raped by a real live wolverine. I have one question: when did baseball general managers get into conspicuous consumption? Picture Mariner GM Bill Bavasi (hint: he's probably fat!) talking to Billy Beane and Brian Cashman at Otis Nixon's parole party:
Bavasi: "Hey guys, how's it goin? I guess I'd better leave pretty soon so I can go check on my vintage shortstop
with origami knees. Do I need to mention that I overpaid?"
Athletics GM Beane: "Make it don't stop! Slow down big daddy on fire!"
Yankee GM Cashman: "Hmmm...what's that? I think I just traded David Delucci for the 9/11 memorial site."
Anyway, now that the trade is off, everyone wins. Guillen can spend another season coaxing his more talented teammates into binge drinking, Vizquel can go back to poring over the new Medicare prescription drug benefits, and Bavasi can
finally finish that corn dog. Because he's probably extremely fat.
OK. As a special inaugural post to the "Around the Nasty Online Community Idea Exchange," I submit to you a rap about Dungeons and Dragons that I wrote. I wrote it on a plane the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I was in a weird place, just going through mad different phases, like mazes, to find my way. So, I'll ask you to please try to imagine me rapping this in a
style that has no father. Also, remember that the end product will have more swearing so it will seem less earnest than it actually is.
Intro:
Chaotic Good in the hood, y'all.
Yo, you be shootin' dice?
Yo, we be shootin' dice, too
In Eric Moore's basement
Fucked up on Pringles and Mt. Dew
[I need to add more of an intro here. I want to compare Mt. Dew to Mt. Doom. Is that even
possible?]
Chorus:
Yo, party in the house?
Nah, party in the dungeon
Magic diamonds on the minds
Of those who be spelunkin'
Round the next bend
Oh shit! There's a illithid
Get the d10
And let's roll initiative
Pull out my scimitar
Make a incision
Respect to the dwarf:
He got
infravision!
Verse 1
Yo, I don't cook rocks
I pick locks and climb walls
Then Featherfall
Onto tall Ogres and Ogre Mages
Beserker rages with a magic Aegis
Aged sages write spellbook pages
Courageous pages go on rampages
In these Middle-American Middle Ages!
[Need more here]
Chorus
Verse 2
Yo, some of y'all wack PC's be braggin'
Talkin 'bout, "I killed this or that dragon."
But shit gets thick you be the first to ditch
Man, you get racial bonuses for bein' a
bitch?
You say you hard?
You're a level 2 Bard.
You say you a hero?
You just rolled a zero.
You're a little she-male in chain-mail,
And that portrait you drew looks like Kelsey Grammar with a motherfuckin' ponytail!
Chorus
[I have another verse in mind about having sex with a half-elven tavern serving girl. It's pretty important and relevant to 9/11.]
Outro (spoken):
Yo, I wanna give a shout out to my wizard Elminster, my wizard Kelben Blackstaff. Yo, my wizard Raistlin Majere REST IN PEACE!
Time of Troubles, y'all. Drow people unite.
And Strahd Von Zarovich, watch ya motherfuckin' keep!
Peace.
END
Okay. You like that, diddle-dicks? F- it. I work at a nursing home.
